Rules parents make for themselves

I've heard every parent say it: I'm going to be different from my parents.

We all make rules for ourselves on how we would parent differently.

My mom's rule was she would never say, “Because I said so!” She vowed to always have a reason for telling us “No” or asking us to do something.

I believe that rule made her more fair and definitely set a good path for me to follow.

When I became a mother my rule was I was going to actually listen to my son when he was talking to me. I remember being so hurt when I was talking to my dad who would just murmur "uh huh" from behind his newspaper and was clearly not paying attention.

So I was determined to make sure my son knew that I cared enough to listen to his every word.

I know why my dad did what he did. I talked forever, going on and on and on and on. After a while I'm sure he zoned out because I would never shut up. But I always noticed when he wasn't listening and it hurt my little 7-year-old feelings. And that hurt stayed with me for life. I did not want to hurt my son that way. I also wanted him to know that he could talk to me whenever he wanted or needed and that I valued his thoughts and opinions.

That's easier said than done because my son inherited my nonstop talking problem. But a rule is a rule and I have found ways to work around this. When he really has to tell me something, I ask him to be patient for me to find a stopping point on what I'm working on and then I give my undivided attention.

When I was working for psychologists on creating booklets for people to improve their people skills, one of the topics was improving listening skills. One of the tips was to repeat or rephrase what the person said or offer little suggestions or remarks to show that you are listening. One of the great things about this trick is that it also forces you to actually listen. So I employ this tactic when my son is talking. He responds well to it and it actually helps to reduce the nonstop talking syndrome. I think it may be because he develops new ideas when I offer my opinions and he runs off to try something new out with his Legos or movies. Or it may be that he just needs to talk out his problems to find solutions and my mere act of listening is all he really needs.

In the long run, I believe my rule for myself has helped our relationship. He does find solutions for his problems; he is definitely more creative as he talks out scenes to movies or video games he's developing; he comes to me when he has a problem rather than fuming over it in his room; and he feels confident that his opinions and thoughts matter. I know this because he told me and I was listening.