My stance on proper parenting

I received an email this week from someone promoting a story on how to embarrass your kids off of Facebook. The title already made me squeamish but I tried to remain positive and hope they were not actually encouraging parents to humiliate their own children publicly. Some writers will try to use some kind of reverse psychology in their headlines to lure readers in. 

However, I looked at the story and realized they were, in fact, encouraging parents to alienate their children. I was completely disgusted. It was basically teaching parents how to be cyber bullies to their own flesh and blood.

Let me just go on record right now and state:

It is wrong to ridicule, humiliate, belittle, bully or otherwise alienate your own children!

The way I think of it is this: Do I want to have a wonderful relationship with my son now and when he is all grown up? Well, of course I do!

If I treat him with respect — and that means respecting his feelings as well — then I am building a bridge of trust between us.

But parents who think it is funny to embarrass their children on the Internet — which would be the same as standing in the middle of town and shouting things to every passerby — are setting their children up for failure.

Failure number one

First off, how can children go to their parents to discuss important topics (like illegal drugs or puberty) if they don't trust or respect their parents? Parents who makes it a practice to ridicule their children are effectively cutting their children off from ever listening to them again. If they have something important to teach their children, their words will fall on deaf ears.

Failure number two

Secondly, if parents make a habit of humiliating their children in front of all their friends, then the only friends the children make will likely not be introduced to their parents. That means they will never know what kind of people their children decide to hang out with (or what kind of influences they will be). That also means their children will begin the practice of lying to keep the parents from finding out about their friends and their lives. That could only lead to more deceit and betrayal. And that starts them on the path to no good.

Failure number three

Finally, when children who have been bullied repeatedly by their parents move out, they will undoubtedly inflict the same kind of punishment on their family if they ever have the chance to have one. It will be hard for them to learn to form loving, trusting relationships with people if they have never experienced those kind of relationships at home while growing up. If they do form a family, it will likely be based in fear or superficiality.

Parents should be parents AND trusted friends to their children

When I first started out learning how to discipline my son in order to teach him to be a good person, I read everything I could find about child behavior and child psychology. I came at it with a scientific approach but also knew that I should trust my gut in some situations. It helped to understand how children learn and how their brains develop in order to know if I was using effective techniques in teaching my son right from wrong.

Many times I would read or hear: You cannot be your child's friend. You must be an authority figure.

At first, I understood why it would be important to be an authority figure. Young children must understand that they cannot do as they please. Young children have not yet learned how to be a good friend, so being an authority figure was best to help my son understand when he was not being nice to someone. This is important when teaching children to share, to respect another child's space and things, and to not hit and shove when they don't get their way.

But as my son got older and learned how to be a good friend, I felt it was important to allow him that sense of independence of being a trusted advisor. Family decisions were not made for him or without him. He was allowed to voice his opinion so that he knew he was an important part of the family and not just some object to be commanded around.

I did this partly because I knew I needed to develop independence in him. Some day he will need to make important decisions on his own, and he needs the confidence to make the right decisions. Being wishy washy when peer pressure is involved is the reason some kids fall to it. Knowing that his opinions and feelings matter means he will be more secure in telling someone "No" when he needs to.

Of course the fact that he feels comfortable coming to me about important decisions he has to make helps too. As a trusted advisor to him, he knows I won't belittle him or ridicule him when he needs to talk to me about something. On that same note, I know he will listen to me when I offer my opinions and knowledge on something because he knows I have his best interests at heart.

So I had to go with my gut on that whole friend thing, but so far it has paid off. He does come to me with questions or problems. And he does listen to me when I need to talk to him. Not only is schoolwork easier but teaching him about life itself is easier.

And none of this would be possible if I had decided to be a big bully to him.

Remember, children learn what they see NOT what you tell them do

Do you remember the poem Children learn what they live? It has always had an impact on me. Hopefully, you will take it to heart too.

Children Learn What They Live

By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. © 1972


If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.